Hello,
I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I suppose I didn't feel that I needed to. I have a heck of a story over the past couple of weeks. I now know that I need to get this out. I don't want to annoy people with what I am going through or how I am feeling. A lot of people don't really understand what I am going through. Most of my friends haven't been in love. Lucky for them. But subsequently they don't understand what I am going through and what I need. But that's okay, I am resident enough to figure this out on my own. Well with the help of the university counsellor I hope.
Anyway, heres my story:
So a couple of weeks ago, on Tuesday the 21st of April 2015, my boyfriend broke up with me.
I woke up in the morning to find a text message from Danny (my now ex-boyfriend) saying:
Danny: 'Babe, I think we need to talk.'
Me: 'About what?'
Danny: 'About us'
Me: 'What about us?'
Danny: 'Babe I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being sad over making you sad. I don't want to do this over text either.'
Me: 'Great. I'm too much of a burden on you because I've been a bit sad lately. Go figure. Since you sighed a few times last night when I tried to cry quietly. What I waste of time I am. Danny has no time for a sad girlfriend.'
Danny: 'I don't really want to fight over this. I've been pretty upset for a pretty long time over whether or not I want to be in a relationship or not. And I'm done putting in a half effort and upsetting you all the time while upsetting myself at the same time. If I keep going it's just going to get worse and worse.
Me: 'Fine.'
Me: 'I am not sad about you.'
Me: 'Do you really want to give up on us?'
Danny: 'I think it's best for both of us. I can't give any more than what I do now. And I know it's not enough.'
Me: 'I can't believe you would give up on us. Just like that. No space, no talk, nothing. I thought you love me.'
Me: 'Please don't do this.'
Danny: 'I do love you and care for you but its not that simple. I don't feel that I'm in love with you and I don't feel I'm going to wake up one day and everything is going to get better. I can't do space again. I can't lie to you and myself and say I'll change then come back exactly the same.'
I stopped replying to him. I ran outside to where dad was and burst into tears. What made it harder was that he was moving to Gove the very next day. So I was going to be alone. I'll have no family in Darwin that could help me.
Dad sent Danny a text to come and get his stuff after work and to return his key. Oh did I forget to mention he had been living with me for the past two years. We were together for 4. Since I was 16.
I began to grab garbage bags and filled them with his stuff and put it in the lounge room. I didn't want to look at his stuff in my room. I filled it with all his clothes, all the valentines day teddies I got him. The photo album I made full of pictures of us. I wanted him to remember him. I was hoping he would realise he made a huge mistake. I spent the whole day crying
When he came and got his stuff, I couldn't face him, I went and hid in dads room and cried.
When Danny left, I went back to my dad and I cried more. I asked him if Danny looked upset. Dad said Danny was crying too. I don't think Danny was upset as me though. But dad cried with me. I've only seen dad cry once before, dad was crying because I was crying.
That evening I called my friend Danielle. She was amazing. She dropped all her plans and came and stayed the night with me. She just hugged me while I cried. I realised then, how much of an amazing friend I am.
The next morning, I sent Danny a text.
Me: 'The whole 4 years we were together, were you ever in love with me?'
Danny: 'I loved you and cared for you. But I don't think I felt or understood the feeling of being in love. I'm sorry it turned out this way but it was the end of the line for me.'
I got so upset and angry at that I sent an angry reply, saying how cruel he is for leading me on and for letting me believe he was in love with me. He replied saying that this break up wasn't easy for him and blah blah blah. I replied another angry message saying he was cruel. He didn't reply. I cried to Danielle for 2 hours.
What confuses me most, is that we had sex the night before he broke up with me. Why would he have sex with me if he had been thinking about leaving me for a while. Wouldn't the intimacy be gone?
For the rest of the week I tried to keep as busy as possible. Thats what mum told me to do. There was a few texts between me and Danny about when he was going to pick up the rest of his stuff: Play station (that I had bought him for Christmas!), TV and some more clothes. I still cried whenever I was alone, or in front of a good friend.
I seemed to start talking to my uncle a lot. He has been going through depression for the past year and he just seemed to know what to say to make me feel better. He told me it was okay to cry to him, whereas other family members would try and cheer me up or distract me. I just felt I needed to cry and vent.
I went and saw a counsellor at the university. She was really lovely. She listened and seemed to understand what I'm going through. She gave me strategies on how to concentrate on my studies. They did not work for me however :(
I don't really understand how I feel and I feel I need to know so I can sort through these feelings. This is why I decided to tell the story and write down my feelings.
Surprisingly, I am not crying as I write this. I can feel it coming on though. I am going to list how I feel.
- I feel that I gave Danny my entire heart, that my love was true. But he gave me back my heart because he didn't want it anymore.
- I feel that my trust has been betrayed. I trusted him not to break my heart, I trusted that we would have an amazing and full life together.
- I feel worthless. I feel after 4 years together, I wasn't even worth a face to face conversation or at the very least, a hand written letter. He broke up with me over text.
- I feel ugly. Maybe because I've put on weight over the course of our relationship. He even said that he's not as attracted to me than he used to be a couple months ago.
- My chest hurts. It literally aches. The ache doesn't want to go away.
- I feel impatient. I want this pain to go away quicker. People keep telling me that it's going to take time. I don't want it to take time.
- I feel like I can't do anything. Every time I try and sit down and do my assignment I burst into tears and feel as though I can't do it. Same with doing house chores.
- I feel like I could never move on, or fall in love again, or even have sex with anyone else. Danny is the only person I have had sex with. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again. I wonder if he feels the same way (he lost his virginity to me as well). Probably not, he's a male.
- I feel sick. I literally feel sick in my stomach, all the time. Its hard making myself eat when I am alone.
- I feel alone. I live in a big house, practically by myself. I have a house mate.. But she's never home, and we're not that close...
- I feel used. If he didn't love me that whole time, why was he with me? For sex? Cheap place to live? Someone to do his washing?
- I miss him. Not only I won't be seeing him again, but I won't be seeing his whole family. I love his family, especially his mum, who has been a mum to me while I didn't have one.
It hurts to see photos of him on Facebook. Out with friends, having fun. Even though I am doing the exact same thing.
I am suppressing my cries now.
I have been told by a few people that I should write Pro's and Con's about the relationship. I think I will do that in my next blog tomorrow :) Now to get back to my equity assignment, go for a jog and make myself some dinner :)
