Housemate Horrors

I cant stand my housemate because:

- She is a slob
- She doesn't clean up after herself
- She didn't contribute to any house cleaning
- She brought a dog home without asking and didn't toilet train it
- She didn't clean up her dogs shit in the lounge.
- She left crumbs all over the kitchen bench
- She would leave dishes for DAYS
- She never put the dishes away
- She uses my stuff (soap, washing powder, food etc) and does not contribute to the cost of replacing it.
- She never paid her rent on time
- She leaves washing on the line for weeks
- She would leave her washing in the machine for days
- I did so much for her and not once did I get a thank you
- She just uses people
- She is immature
- Her boyfriend could do sooooo much better

I CANT STAND HER AND IM SO GLAD SHE WILL BE MOVED OUT BY TOMORROW

Confused Feelings

So I have been seeing this guy for a while. He is amazing. I never knew that someone could actually treat me so well. I can't describe how he makes me feel. He makes me feel beautiful, worthy, special. I have never felt that way with Danny, well at least not for a long time.

But, he wants a relationship... For some reason I don't want one. And its hurting him that I don't want one yet. But I am not ready. And I am unsure how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I really like him and other times I feel like I don't.

#feelingssuck

Update..

So I haven't blogged in a while.. I have been pretty busy with friends, family and Uni.

So I haven't thought about Danny in a while. Well I've thought about him, but I don't miss him or want him back, thats for sure. I think someone new has helped in that department.

At Bass in the Grass about a month ago (a month after Danny and I broke up) I slept with someone else. He was my friend and we went to school together and we used to hang out a bit (as friends). Sleeping with him helped me a lot to get over Danny I found... Like Danny is no longer the one and only person I've been with in that way. The sex wasn't good that night, I think we were both pretty wasted.

It didn't stop there though. During the week he kept coming over and we kept hooking up. The sex was amazing. Like AMAZING! Best I've ever had to be honest!! And I thought that this would be just a friends with benefits thing.

He developed feelings for me first and he told a mutual friend, who told me. I didn't start to like him until a week after that. But even then I was confused with my feelings. I thought I might be trying to replace Danny somehow. I still feel like that sometimes I guess. I don't want him to be a rebound, and I really feel like that he's not.

So we've been seeing each other for about a month now, he wants a relationship, but I said no for now. But I can definitely see us together in the future :)

Random thoughts...

So Danny has slept with someone else. 2 weeks after we had broken up. She's 30 and from what I see on her Facebook, she's fat as well. It's kind of funny at the same time because she is 8 years older than him and well.. she's bigger than me. After all the times he put me down about my weight its funny that he can sleep with someone else who's twice my size... Maybe she's skinner than she is in the photos. I don't know. It makes me feel better knowing that she's fat.

It still hurts though. Like how could he sleep with someone else so easily? He lost his virginity to me and spent 4 years with me and he can sleep with someone else 2 weeks after we broke up? Like our love meant nothing?

The thought of me sleeping with someone else actually makes me feel sick. I feel like I should sleep with someone else, just to get rid of that feeling that he's slept with someone else and I haven't..

I feel horrible about it. But I feel okay about us separating at the same time.

My counsellor said that in 6 months time he might try and get me back (apparently thats what a lot of men do after dumping their missus)

I am not going to hold on to that, hoping he does that. I need to work on myself.

Speaking of myself. I've lost 10kilos. I've lost it way to quickly though, and I know it. But I kinda like that I've been losing it quickly. That scares me. I've been loosing it quickly because I haven't been eating much at all. I tried to eat a decent meal tonight but and I had like 4 spoonfuls and I was full.

I wake up in the morning and I don't eat because I just think it'll make me fat and that no one will want me. I need to stop this mind frame. But every time I go on the scales and see that I've dropped another kilo. Man it feels good.

I'll try and eat a little more tomorrow...

I feel not so amazing.

So after yesterdays episode where I felt amazing. Today I feel pretty crap.

My stress levels are so high I think I may have anxiety (I have never had anxiety before, so I'm not sure).

I am stressed because I need to get these assignments done by Sunday and I want to go to the paint party at Discovery (night club) tonight.

I am stressed because I can't keep on top of the house work, and theres no one to help me. I can't seem to keep the pool clean, no matter how hard I try. The sprinkler system broke and I can't fix it. I don't even know how to check the oil and radiator in my car! And I know you have to do that often.

I just need some help, just for a little while. Just to help me get on my feet. I was thrown into living alone, and it sucks.

Trying to do these assignments is a mission. :(

I feel amazing.

I have begun to feel truly amazing.

I have been going for jogs everyday, I have been eating right. AND I lost 6 kilos!

I feel fantastic about myself, I feel sexy and confident.

Plus a few guys have been flirting with me, which is nice :)

I've been asked out on a couple of dates already. I want to go, but I don't feel ready. I don't know why.

The compliments I've been getting from other guys feel so nice. I never got many compliments from Danny in the last 2 years of our relationship, so it feels really really good.

I know it's quite soon, but I am falling out of love with Danny, and it feels amazing.

Pro's and Con's

So I am going to write Pro's and Con's about the relationship. I seem to keep reminiscing about mine and Danny's time together. But I know I keep thinking about the good and not the bad. I think I need to make myself think about the bad as well. Maybe it'll help me get over him quicker? Golly Gosh I hope so.

Pros

- He would spoil me; he would buy me a lot of gifts and take me out to lunch a lot.
- We were incredibly comfortable with each other;
- Sleeping next to someone every night was nice;
- Doing stuff for him was nice.
- He would take care of my car for me.
- He would help me out money wise if I needed it.
- When I was at school, he used to drop me off at school and pick me up.
- He loved my pets.
- The sex was good. He was never ever selfish in bed.
- He was good at cooking.
- He would kiss me goodbye every morning before he went to work, and kiss me every time he came home.
- His family was my family.
- We told each other everything.
- We were faithful.
- The beginning of the relationship was absolutely amazing.
- I love his mum as if she were my mum.
- We had engagement and wedding plans.
- We saw a future together.

Cons

- He stopped initiating sex, I was always initiating it.
- He never kissed me randomly.
- He said if I ever got pregnant and wouldn't get rid of it, he would leave me.
- He got angry at me very easily.
- He was selfish with the radio.
- He never surprised me with a birthday/christmas gift. I always had to tell him what I wanted.
- He didn't organise anything for our 3 year anniversary.
- He didn't get me anything for valentines day, i got him something.
- Before we were living together, he used to ALWAYS be late to pick me up or come over.
- He would get angry at me if I didn't clean the bedroom.
- He never said he loved me, unless I said it first (towards the end of the relationship)
- He told me a couple of months ago that he wasn't attracted to me anymore.
- He would harass me to go running or to the gym and made me feel guilty when I didn't.
- He tried to control what I eat.
- Problems with his family is actually ridiculous. They don't involve me. But their problems complicate everything.
- His dog would shit on the driveway and he didn't clean it up.
- When he first moved in, he didn't pay rent or towards food because he would clean up the house a lot. When he stopped doing that stuff, dad asked me to ask him to pay $100 a week towards food. It was a mission and a half to get him to start doing that.
- He wouldn't pay his rent on time, or he would not pay it at all, just because.
- He kept buying fucking cars! He had 3 fucking cars filling up my driveway.
- He was an idiot with money. E.g. wasting virtually all of his pay on cars and not saving for the future (a house).
- I never understood his logic. He had no logic.
- Some of the things he would say to my family were so idiotic it was embarrassing.
- His sense of humour was stupid
- When my grandfather was in hospital and we thought he would die, Danny didn't offer to come and visit him with me. And when I did ask him to come visit him with me, he said he can't because he needs to go to gym. Fucking arsehole.
- He would turn every stupid little thing into a fight, instead of just admitting his mistakes.
- I have nothing in common or nothing to talk about with his friends. They are all a bunch of dead beats.
- He didn't enjoy or want to hang out with my friends.
- He's my height, I can't wear heels.
- He left me the day before dad moved to Gove.
- He didn't last long when having sex.
- He got stupid haircuts.
- He didn't lift much of a finger around the house, but expected me to.


Now I realise that there are A LOT of cons. As stupid as some of them might be.

I am starting to feel happy that I am not in this relationship anymore.

What the fuck is love?!

What the fuck is this stupid love thing? Why does it exist? Why does it come with so much pain? It is the stupidest invention ever. Falling in love?! Pfft. What the fuck kind of shit is that?!

The brick wall around my heart is building fast and building high. I don't want to feel this way ever again.

Dear heart, mend quicker. I can't deal with this pain :(

I'm lost and alone.

Hello,

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I suppose I didn't feel that I needed to. I have a heck of a story over the past couple of weeks. I now know that I need to get this out. I don't want to annoy people with what I am going through or how I am feeling. A lot of people don't really understand what I am going through. Most of my friends haven't been in love. Lucky for them. But subsequently they don't understand what I am going through and what I need. But that's okay, I am resident enough to figure this out on my own. Well with the help of the university counsellor I hope.

Anyway, heres my story:

So a couple of weeks ago, on Tuesday the 21st of April 2015, my boyfriend broke up with me.

I woke up in the morning to find a text message from Danny (my now ex-boyfriend) saying:

Danny: 'Babe, I think we need to talk.'
Me: 'About what?'
Danny: 'About us'
Me: 'What about us?'
Danny: 'Babe I can't do this anymore. I can't keep being sad over making you sad. I don't want to do this over text either.'
Me: 'Great. I'm too much of a burden on you because I've been a bit sad lately. Go figure. Since you sighed a few times last night when I tried to cry quietly. What I waste of time I am. Danny has no time for a sad girlfriend.'
Danny: 'I don't really want to fight over this. I've been pretty upset for a pretty long time over whether  or not I want to be in a relationship or not. And I'm done putting in a half effort and upsetting you all the time while upsetting myself at the same time. If I keep going it's just going to get worse and worse.
Me: 'Fine.'
Me: 'I am not sad about you.'
Me: 'Do you really want to give up on us?'
Danny: 'I think it's best for both of us. I can't give any more than what I do now. And I know it's not enough.'
Me: 'I can't believe you would give up on us. Just like that. No space, no talk, nothing. I thought you love me.'
Me: 'Please don't do this.'
Danny: 'I do love you and care for you but its not that simple. I don't feel that I'm in love with you and I don't feel I'm going to wake up one day and everything is going to get better. I can't do space again. I can't lie to you and myself and say I'll change then come back exactly the same.'

I stopped replying to him. I ran outside to where dad was and burst into tears. What made it harder was that he was moving to Gove the very next day. So I was going to be alone. I'll have no family in Darwin that could help me.

Dad sent Danny a text to come and get his stuff after work and to return his key. Oh did I forget to mention he had been living with me for the past two years. We were together for 4. Since I was 16.

I began to grab garbage bags and filled them with his stuff and put it in the lounge room. I didn't want to look at his stuff in my room. I filled it with all his clothes, all the valentines day teddies I got him. The photo album I made full of pictures of us. I wanted him to remember him. I was hoping he would realise he made a huge mistake. I spent the whole day crying

When he came and got his stuff, I couldn't face him, I went and hid in dads room and cried.

When Danny left, I went back to my dad and I cried more. I asked him if Danny looked upset. Dad said Danny was crying too. I don't think Danny was upset as me though. But dad cried with me. I've only seen dad cry once before, dad was crying because I was crying.

That evening I called my friend Danielle. She was amazing. She dropped all her plans and came and stayed the night with me. She just hugged me while I cried. I realised then, how much of an amazing friend I am.

The next morning, I sent Danny a text.

Me: 'The whole 4 years we were together, were you ever in love with me?'
Danny: 'I loved you and cared for you. But I don't think I felt or understood the feeling of being in love. I'm sorry it turned out this way but it was the end of the line for me.'

I got so upset and angry at that I sent an angry reply, saying how cruel he is for leading me on and for letting me believe he was in love with me. He replied saying that this break up wasn't easy for him and blah blah blah. I replied another angry message saying he was cruel. He didn't reply. I cried to Danielle for 2 hours.

What confuses me most, is that we had sex the night before he broke up with me. Why would he have sex with me if he had been thinking about leaving me for a while. Wouldn't the intimacy be gone?

For the rest of the week I tried to keep as busy as possible. Thats what mum told me to do. There was a few texts between me and Danny about when he was going to pick up the rest of his stuff: Play station (that I had bought him for Christmas!), TV and some more clothes. I still cried whenever I was alone, or in front of a good friend.

I seemed to start talking to my uncle a lot. He has been going through depression for the past year and he just seemed to know what to say to make me feel better. He told me it was okay to cry to him, whereas other family members would try and cheer me up or distract me. I just felt I needed to cry and vent.

I went and saw a counsellor at the university. She was really lovely. She listened and seemed to understand what I'm going through. She gave me strategies on how to concentrate on my studies. They did not work for me however :(


I don't really understand how I feel and I feel I need to know so I can sort through these feelings. This is why I decided to tell the story and write down my feelings.

Surprisingly, I am not crying as I write this. I can feel it coming on though. I am going to list how I feel.

- I feel that I gave Danny my entire heart, that my love was true. But he gave me back my heart because he didn't want it anymore.
- I feel that my trust has been betrayed. I trusted him not to break my heart, I trusted that we would have an amazing and full life together.
- I feel worthless. I feel after 4 years together, I wasn't even worth a face to face conversation or at the very least, a hand written letter. He broke up with me over text.
- I feel ugly. Maybe because I've put on weight over the course of our relationship. He even said that he's not as attracted to me than he used to be a couple months ago.
- My chest hurts. It literally aches. The ache doesn't want to go away.
- I feel impatient. I want this pain to go away quicker. People keep telling me that it's going to take time. I don't want it to take time.
- I feel like I can't do anything. Every time I try and sit down and do my assignment I burst into tears and feel as though I can't do it. Same with doing house chores.
- I feel like I could never move on, or fall in love again, or even have sex with anyone else. Danny is the only person I have had sex with. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again. I wonder if he feels the same way (he lost his virginity to me as well). Probably not, he's a male.
- I feel sick. I literally feel sick in my stomach, all the time. Its hard making myself eat when I am alone.
- I feel alone. I live in a big house, practically by myself. I have a house mate.. But she's never home, and we're not that close...
- I feel used. If he didn't love me that whole time, why was he with me? For sex? Cheap place to live? Someone to do his washing?
- I miss him. Not only I won't be seeing him again, but I won't be seeing his whole family. I love his family, especially his mum, who has been a mum to me while I didn't have one.

It hurts to see photos of him on Facebook. Out with friends, having fun. Even though I am doing the exact same thing.

I am suppressing my cries now.

I have been told by a few people that I should write Pro's and Con's about the relationship. I think I will do that in my next blog tomorrow :) Now to get back to my equity assignment, go for a jog and make myself some dinner :)